The Desperate Need to Write

I need to write, I love to write. It is a simple but profound statement of my life. Always, since I was a boy, I have been captivated by that need to express myself. Perhaps because I had no other place to put all the things I was feeling and going through, or it could have been my intense love of books. A combination of both and more, a part of my desire to soar. To fly, to rise above the usually painful present circumstances into a place of comfort and purpose where plans work out and dreams come true and villains really do lose. I found those places as a youngster and had a profound desire to create them. I found more inside of me than I could contain and pen to paper was the only place to go with it. The fact that from the time I could talk until now I have been a talker and story teller is no wonder considering my life of dissociative behaviors and myriad of characters that reside within me. "Worlds, call me worlds." For it is worlds that reside deep within me. If only I could hone my creative skills enough to get them out into the world of the reader. Perhaps with the shift from paper and notebooks to this used laptop that I received as a gift earlier this year I can do more. Writing the worlds of my life and the things inside of me has been a largely private thing for me most of the days of my life besides the sharing of some stories and notebooks along the way with those close to me. Notebooks, paper and pens, books and all of their smells and textures so sensual and the start of it all for me. It was my painful and confusing childhood in the 1970s that put me in such a fantasy, escapist frame of mind. Books, comic books, TV and trading cards along with hot wheels and matchbox cars were my mainstay, my worlds. I escaped all of the horrors and perversions of home and the abuse and rejections of my piers and elders in school and church. I was alone in the matrix, even those close to me, without exception hurt me in some way, with the exception of papa. My mother's father. He is many worlds himself. Worlds for another day, or many actually. Ti’s another fellow who has captured my mind for this moment. That fellow is Richard Thomas. His role as John Boy Walton it the 70s TV show saved my life. It was from there that I was given the idea to write and that I did. I continued to follow John through his life and career and I have always admired him and enjoyed the different things he was in, but he will always be John boy to me. In my mind I sometimes found ways for me to be there at their place, free from my weird, confusing existence. So from then all through life I have kept diaries or journals and written a lot of poetry and many stories or scenes. A couple of attempts at plays and skits but only the poetry on my blog has ever been seen public ally. I wrote because I had to. In the early days I wrote of all the confusing and hurtful things I was contending with in comparison to the stories I was reading in all the books and the bible I got from school and the bookmobile. I must have written the wrong things in the very early diaries, when I was 9 and 10 I started and I learned early to hide them well for pages disappeared from them at first. So I knew someone mean had been reading them and had ripped "incriminating" things from my little books. As well as things other than that, things I wish I still had now for I do have those books still, minus the pages torn out and the pieces of my broken heart that were grind-ed in the dust. So I learned to be generic and stuff all the UN-readable things inside during those years until I learned enough to be able to hide things so that they could not be found and my most private places invaded. I have many notebooks of various sorts and sizes from forty plus years of writing and I even found a place that sold the same notebooks that John boy used on the show. Red Big Chief note books that opened from the top. They are put away, I have 2 of them but I have used many Mead top ringed notebooks over the years. The boyhood ones were diary type and of course I got ridiculed for that. Being a little girl, but then I was a good little cock-sucker too, so he said. I just took it and hung my head in shame and went on with my lonely life, but I never let the ridicule stop me from writing or loving and playing music. He could not kill who I really was deep inside, only cripple it real good. Perhaps it was the abuse, sexual, physical, mental, emotional, up close and personal and invasive as it was that pushed me to create the worlds that I did and do so that I would have somewhere safe to live. So now here I am desperately needing to write and writing a lot, feeling a lot, being invaded by a lot as I go through this crazy marriage failure/self discovery time in life and as I prepare myself to launch out on my own with my trust destroyed. The past present and future have been blended into one huge scifi nightmare where my deceased son and I run from perverted abusive people and monsters intent on wiping us and our thoughts and memories out of existence forever. Trust for us is zero, anyone could be an agent of the enemy or an alien. Eyes are everywhere and you cant deny that, looking at all of us, following, plotting destruction. Trying to cave my head in, just like when I was little. Only I have to carry both of us around inside of me and it is heavy sometimes. He was a really great little boy and for a long time I could not even think of him without needing a trip to the mental hospital but finally about 6 years ago the flood gates finally broke and he came back to me. Just one crazy day after weeping and weeping at the awful realization of what all I had really lost all those years ago. I was sitting in my chair out in the back by the UN-bee tree by the fields he came to me. My eyes were closed but suddenly as if opened I saw his little 5 year old self, smiling, coming towards me. I knelt on one knee and he straddled the other and hugged me. "It's gonna be OK daddy," he said as he put his hands on my face and wiped the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs. "I'm OK, and I'm still with you, just hang on to me, please. Until were together again." He started to say something else but as if someone called him he hopped off of my knee and said, "gotta go, I love you." and he ran off and that was it. It was beautiful but it drove me to my knees in sobs. However I can now think about him and look at pictures and stuff, I cry, I write but I stay sane and together. Even after all these years I still love and miss my little buddy so much. He was my first officer, my pit crew boss. My helper when there were jobs to be done and someone killed all of that. God in heaven I pray no one reading what i write ever has to experience that but alas I know they do poor souls. I know of losing your precious child that you never get over it. You only go through it one day at a time and it never stops hurting it only becomes bearable after years and years. Writing has helped me cope with all the awful bullshit in life and I'm sure some days I'll have some more happy things to write about. There is so much inside of me that needs to come out. Sometimes I write a lot, other times not nearly as much. Now I am feeling and thinking and remembering a lot of things and I have no where to go but my diary’s. So when the demons are on the attack its all I can do to stay sane and keep writing.

Making Sense of it All 2

So to continue my crazy story I start again. Writing about all that has happened is way more complicated than it seems, at least if your me it does. My mind goes in many different directions and I see things from many angles and that either simplifies or complicates things, im not sure yet. I mainly stay confused about all that is going on. Everything has a biblical connection with me and the past ties in with all that is present. My life story seems to have some threads that run from the beginning until now and the relationship that I have with Deborah in some ways mirrors my relationship with my dad. Above all I know that as long as I live in the present moment things are OK. The deeply emotional things, the arguments and confrontations and the coming to grips with the truth about her feelings are all in the past. Sometimes it still grips me in the heart and throat like death. It feels like losing Ryan all over again. You know. You have kids. The thought of losing one of them is the worst nightmare a parent can have. Well once that nightmare comes true its hard not to wake up into it sometimes. Once Ryan was gone I would have the most horrible nightmares about losing my children and I would wake up suffocating and have to go and see each one of them breathe. Waking up in the wee hours to one of your kids gone is so awful, so horrible that here I am 26 years later still struggling with it. Still waking up into it again and again. Death, grief, sorrow, loss. The markers of my life. This nightmare with Deborah can only be compared with the loss of our precious little boy all those years ago. On his 6th birthday we said happy birthday and goodbye in the same breath and we are still reeling from it. Deborah has never been the same and has never really been able to be anything other than a recluse. The computer world is in my opinion, her addiction. I have mine and she has hers. We are a broken and hurting pair. For me it has been the death cycle since the day of the wreck. I have had to resign myself to the fact that the Deborah I used to know died on the day of that awful, horrible wreck. I cringe every time I think of her going through all of that. I still cannot even believe after all the other awful stuff we have endured that this is even happening. Sometimes Gods hands become scary. My dads hands were scary. That is another nightmare though. More suffering and loss. More suffocation. More awful memories that I so don’t want to be real. Yet all of it connects in some weird spiritual way. We are coming to the two year anniversary of the car crash. There is still so much to wade through and to wait on God for. I am forced to live in a situation where my life is on hold while I wait to see if Deb ever acts on all the words she told me. If so sometimes between now and next summer when Ana graduates she will pack up and leave. Simply because she does not want to be married to me anymore. She has to go and be on her own and find herself. She sees no wrong in hurting me or leaving me, she has many of her own self justifications and friends to support her train of thought. All I can do is love her and be here for her during the times she is here and hope and pray that God will work things out. All I know for sure is that in spite of all that has happened to destroy us we are still here, still together, still getting along and as long as I am not overwhelmed with the huge burden I have to bear in all of this things are OK. Of course work is a mess, money is a mess and there is much to have faith for in our lives for sure. I cannot describe to you how many times God has worked it out so that I can have things that there is no way for me to have. He makes my alone time and time with Him as good as it can be and for that I am thankful. I cannot miss His hand in my life but I have whined and complained to Him so much about “why have you left me, why have you forsaken me,” etc. Somehow, over my shoulder I can here Him say, “I'm right here.” I’m so weak, such a baby sometimes. He has molded and shaped me through all these awful experiences but In still such a mess. There is so much that needs fixing in me that I can understand why Deb would want to get rid of me in a lot of ways. The problem I have above all is the complete shift in her in so many ways. She used to be that spiritual person that had a deep commitment to Christ. It was that above all that gave me security that she would never devalue me to the point she could shut her mind to me and write me off. I know without that foundation that we are through. We wrote our own vows because of that so that we could be sure we make out commitment to Christ preeminent in our Vows. Now since the wreck so much has changed in her. Actually before the wreck when she gave up her bible for the computer was when it all started going wrong. However it is my life that is a total wreck. All my life I’ve been a broken hearted soul. I have cried out to the Lord through all of my life from the time He somehow took hold of me when I was a little boy. Life was hard in the Andersen house and I was an only child for 14 ½ years when my brother Ben was born. Childhood for me was much hurt and torment. There was much sexual perversion injected into my life from a very early age. I don’t remember most of my childhood but do remember some and because of my moms emotional dependance problems I learned more than perhaps I should of. Bad, dark things were done, it hurts and confuses me so much and has filled my life with unwanted problems. These problems are a lot of what Deb has against me and are good reasons to leave I have to admit. I don't want to be me. Me is so broken and wounded that I don’t know how I have survived other that Jesus. I should have died just as Ryan did, a blow to the head. I don’t know what to do with all that is in me. I have been cut off from most of the people in my life and the church as well. I am unfix able I guess. Even Deb has given up on me. My work keeps falling apart and I find myself without a job again as I am writing this letter or what ever it is. I am starting to feel after years of things in my life falling apart that it must be a part of the crazy path Jesus has me on. I find my self in tribulation again and again and the Lord sees me through each time. My early life can best be described as having a case of “white picket fence syndrome.” All looks good on the outside but there is darkness and death inside. Me and Ryan, Ryan and I, two broken little boys rescued by Jesus, each with his particular purpose to fulfill. So my journey really started when I was five years old. I had suffered years of abuse in my idealistic little home at the hands of my industrious, well liked father and my enslaved mother who never ever stood up for me or defended me at all but she loved me and was sweet. I don’t want to blame anyone or indict anyone at all here. My mom and dad, me and Deb, all of us are very broken people who have experienced some very bad things in this life and have each responded in out own sinful way. I choose to walk the way of forgiveness. Its just that against a very dark set of circumstances Jesus stepped into my life. I was walking the block or so from my house to the local church to go to events they had for children there. I was little and it was a scary walk, I went at daytime and sometimes at night and I was always alone. Jesus came to me and started to hold my hand and walk me to the church and then back home again. He was there for me and got a hold of me early or I was doomed out of the gate. It is all I can figure. A little later on the 700 club started coming on TV. It was started by my dads parents neighbor who lived in the house behind them. My mom started watching that show and Billy Graham and gave her heart to Jesus when I was around 6. By then I already knew Him, only I did not know who He was. That came as she started sharing about Jesus and what she was reading in the bible. I was very interested in this Jesus guy who seemed to be the same person I kept encountering in various ways. On top of all of this I was an escapist. I had some serious problems already because of what was happening to me behind closed doors. I loved books and was an avid reader from the first time I found a book. Plus my moms mom got me books sometimes. Secretly. I was not allowed to get things except at Christmas or birthday when I was little and when he was mad about anything I suffered and it was my fault. I remember hiding in fear with my mom in closets and under the bed as some of my earliest memories. Yet there was the other side of life. The Jesus side and Him being there kinda made it all OK in some weird way as my dad went through the cycles of being an angry gay man living out a mans life in the 50s and 60s. Dressing like the woman he thought he was and terrorizing us and engaging us in God only knows cause I have disassociation disorders and I used to go up in the ceiling when the stuff was happening. It was like living in fear of a terrorist attack. Anything could happen at any moment. From peaceful to violent. From normal to perverted. And he was obsessed with doing that, I feel that in my soul to this day and he hated me for it. It was my fault and I responded, my body betrayed me and now I `hate myself and my masculinity and I don’t know who or what I am. Then came schools, all the schools the first years of my school life. Don’t know why I changed schools so much. People ask questions I guess. By third grade I was in a christian school. I got beat up too much in public school. I was unable to defend myself, people took my stuff. I was totally unprepared for the world of people and Norfolk Va was a pretty rough place. I ended up in shrinks offices etc as they all tried to figure out what was wrong with me. What a mess but Jesus was right there and it was in the private school that He put the bible in my hands. It was a text book at that school and I never looked back. The bible and Jesus have been my survival through a bunch of mess, a bunch of tribulation and rejection through out my whole life. It is like some kind of crazy book or movie and the chapter that includes Deb's wreck and all the horrible things that happened to Ryan at the hands of one of Deb's friends is beyond imagination. Back story now yet it still plays a crazy part in where we are now and where we are going in the future. I’m doing all I can do to love her and be good to be around when we are together. I forgive her for the ways she has hurt me but I still have to live with all the horrible things she said to me and about me. I don’t know where we stand now. I don’t know if she is planning on leaving or not. She has said many things yet she is still here. She says it is because of our youngest daughter who still lives here and is in 12th grade this year. Home life is OK except for the financial struggles and our not really knowing what to do about all of it. Deb may get a big settlement out of the car wreck but that is still to be determined. We have to live with our pasts but I don’t know if she can live with mine or not. She spends a lot of time alone and considering all I’ve learned about brain injuries there are things about her that are different now and her feelings towards me are among those. I’m just not that guy anymore. That hurts so much but what can I do but continue to stand and to love her and hope for the best. Putting faith in circumstances is hard for me. I believe with all my heart for Ryan to be healed and here with me so I could raise him and enjoy all these years and hes not. He is in heaven. God had different plans and I did not expect it and it nearly destroyed me. Now with Deb all I can do is trust God for every day and for the fact that His purposes will be accomplished no matter how much it hurts me. God is good to me and He does take care of me in spite of all the hardships. Now my life is like when I was a boy again. I spend most of my time alone with my books, TV and computer. I hurt so much and I long for love and affection and attention. I miss her having a heart for me. I cannot tell you how ive suffered and how ive cried. So many tears. So much disappointment in my life still I praise God. He does know best. I don’t even know why I am writing all this except I am lonely and have no one to talk to. I don’t know what to do but press on each day leaning on Jesus and His word. I need help, I need prayer. I need more of Jesus. The addictions that came on me during the days of childhoods treacheries are still fighting hard against me today and the pain I’m in now makes it so hard to stand against them. I’m a lonely wreck. Please pray. I know God is going to work it all out but going through all of this is really hard and painful and I am very weak and vulnerable in every area at this point.

Feelings About My Wife Leaving Me

I am a broken man. I cannot escape the agony that ravages my heart every day and at times it is so unbearable that all I can do is sleep. I do not understand what is happening to me nor why. I would never have imagined that my honey Deborah would do me like she is doing me. It is unbearable and appalling and is has destroyed my trust. I have no and once I thought I had that special friend and lover who would always hold my heart. She made so many promises and always upheld those all the years of our marriage until these past two years. Now she gives me no promise and no assurance. For instance I said to her yesterday, “I sure wish I was a keeper.” She just looked at me and smiled as if she enjoyed my pain. Used to she would have automatically quipped up, “of course your a keeper, I'll always keep you,” or something to that effect. No, not anymore, nothing like that ever. It is just like all of the years that my dad never once expressed his love to me. She says she loves me and cares for me but when I ask her if she loves me how can she hurt me so bad and all she can say is, “I don't know.” I just cannot ever understand how this is or has happened to my marriage. I always thought she felt different towards me and all of this hurts so. I just want to be valuable enough to want to keep and love. What is so wrong with me that she insists that she has to leave me? I can”t get it, I just cant. I'm not doing anything to her, she is hurting me. She is locking me out of her life and out of her heart. She is indifferent towards my pain and suffering and cares more about her feelings than anything else. Why is she being like this? What am I supposed to do? So now I sit here alone again. She is off at her mom's again and off to her Dr Raciti appt, she wont be home till Thursday late or Friday. Used to we would have just gotten up and went to her appt together and came home the same day but oh no, not anymore, all of that changed. I'm so hurt and rejected. This is a nightmare that I so desperately want to wake up from and I don’t know how to or how this could ever do anything but get worse and worse. Does anyone know how horribly painful and debilitating it is to be waiting everyday for your spouse of over half of your life to just desert you? Like Jesus waiting for Judas to betray Him. Yet she keeps up this everything is OK, or the same facade that is so fake and I have such a hard time living in it. How can she be all nice on one side and totally destroying me and breaking my heart to pieces on the other? How can this be my live partner? It feels totally like God and everyone everywhere hates me! I'm so lonely and heartbroken that I just wish I could die. Instead I press on, even though that seems impossible and at times it is. Here I sit alone and abandoned again. She will be back in a few days but I know she does not care about me or how bad she hurts me. I know she has no problem lying to me so I cant help but wonder if what she is saying is even true. She promises she is not cheating on me, yet I still see and hear suspicious things, but when I confront her she is adamant that noting is going on. So I have to believe her even though it is hard. I just cant stop asking, why oh why is this happening to my marriage. Why have I been so devalued but the only person in my world. If she cares for me at all how can she do this to me? I’m so sick of feeling this way every single day and there is never even the slightest change and I keep begging God and it seems that He just turns a deaf ear to my sorrowful heart. Doesn’t he hear me cry? Doesn’t He hear me beg? Can He turn a cold, indifferent heart towards me like Deb has? Why wont anyone love me????? I stay lonely and depressed and I don’t feel like anyone is all of existence cares about me at all, not even God. I know that is not true but it is how it feels. Worst of all is Deb does not care about me. Why does not my partner and soul mate not care about me? How can Deb of all people turn her heart on me? Why wont God help me????/ I’m so alone and lonely, I cry so much. Please help me, I beg you!!!!!