Hard Time Copeing

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I try and focus on the things in my life that I love to do and still my pain and troubles wont leave me. Sometimes I think it is me and at other times I know it is because of the unfair distress I am expected to bear. Being trapped in an a situation like this is a horrible daily burden that I have to bear along with all of the other difficulties of life. Having no way out makes it all the more intense and others advice rings hollow. "If she did that to me, I'd do this or I'd do that." Yet all the this and all of the that involves things I can't accomplish at this junture in my life. I never expected that anything could ever change the way my sweet wife was towards me. All of the years we spent together, the good times and the bad and the ones in between. We thought alike, at least I thought we did, about marriage and family and things and it seemed we would be rock solid for ever. I never even entertained the thoughts of us having problems or not being together any longer. I have never wanted to be away from her. So when all of this started it was un-thinkable. Still I cannot hardly believe all that has happened in the past two years. Loseng the on I love while she is right in front of me and all is well is a nightmare. Suddenly she does not want to be with me anymore. I am not the one she ever would have chosen, not the love of her life. She has totally broken my heart, broke up with me without even any chance to work it out and then continued to live in the house with me while she waits for our daughter to graduate next summer. She stays gone to her moms house a lot but shes here too cause the guy im sure she is seeing behind my back lives out this way. Worst of all I am forced to live here in this devalued state becuase my work has been so poor the past few years that I cannot afford to get out. People say they would leave if they were me and I sure would to if I had somewhere to go and the money to get there. We have been getting help to keep living here as I lose my job and find it and lose it and find it. Now I am without a job again so all the more reason to not be here helping me and all the more reason to desert and abandon me. So awful to have to live with the person who has reduced me to nothing but someone she can be indiferent to. Someone she can say she loves and cares about as she puts me through the worst nightmare of my life and makes no effort to change and has no respect for our marriage or all of the time we have put in it at all. I dont feel that way and that is the hardest of all. I just want it to work out. No matter how much she hurts me and betrays me I keep loving her. I try and stop but I have loved her for so long that it is so hard. Plus when we are getting along and everything feels normal like it always did I start to have hope Then more evidence of cheating ect comes up and the wounds are all opened up again and I feel like killing myself. Thats how bad it hurts. I am so lonely and desperate for love that I cry every night and when ever I am in the shower or listening to music in the car. I keep thinking of my oldest son who passed away a long time ago when he was five and that hurts me even more. I cannot stop thinking of him or of the horrible things that happened to me as a boy and all of this is taking me to the point of no return. Soon I will be dead if something does not change but I dont want that, it just hurts so badly. I am 51 years old, I did not want to start over. I just wanted to be with the wife of my youth all the days of my life and use love each other. she is the mother of all my kids and I want her back and love her so but she does not feel that way so I am just a broken hearted fool with no where to turn. Being alone all the time is so hard.