Making Sense of it All 2

So to continue my crazy story I start again. Writing about all that has happened is way more complicated than it seems, at least if your me it does. My mind goes in many different directions and I see things from many angles and that either simplifies or complicates things, im not sure yet. I mainly stay confused about all that is going on. Everything has a biblical connection with me and the past ties in with all that is present. My life story seems to have some threads that run from the beginning until now and the relationship that I have with Deborah in some ways mirrors my relationship with my dad. Above all I know that as long as I live in the present moment things are OK. The deeply emotional things, the arguments and confrontations and the coming to grips with the truth about her feelings are all in the past. Sometimes it still grips me in the heart and throat like death. It feels like losing Ryan all over again. You know. You have kids. The thought of losing one of them is the worst nightmare a parent can have. Well once that nightmare comes true its hard not to wake up into it sometimes. Once Ryan was gone I would have the most horrible nightmares about losing my children and I would wake up suffocating and have to go and see each one of them breathe. Waking up in the wee hours to one of your kids gone is so awful, so horrible that here I am 26 years later still struggling with it. Still waking up into it again and again. Death, grief, sorrow, loss. The markers of my life. This nightmare with Deborah can only be compared with the loss of our precious little boy all those years ago. On his 6th birthday we said happy birthday and goodbye in the same breath and we are still reeling from it. Deborah has never been the same and has never really been able to be anything other than a recluse. The computer world is in my opinion, her addiction. I have mine and she has hers. We are a broken and hurting pair. For me it has been the death cycle since the day of the wreck. I have had to resign myself to the fact that the Deborah I used to know died on the day of that awful, horrible wreck. I cringe every time I think of her going through all of that. I still cannot even believe after all the other awful stuff we have endured that this is even happening. Sometimes Gods hands become scary. My dads hands were scary. That is another nightmare though. More suffering and loss. More suffocation. More awful memories that I so don’t want to be real. Yet all of it connects in some weird spiritual way. We are coming to the two year anniversary of the car crash. There is still so much to wade through and to wait on God for. I am forced to live in a situation where my life is on hold while I wait to see if Deb ever acts on all the words she told me. If so sometimes between now and next summer when Ana graduates she will pack up and leave. Simply because she does not want to be married to me anymore. She has to go and be on her own and find herself. She sees no wrong in hurting me or leaving me, she has many of her own self justifications and friends to support her train of thought. All I can do is love her and be here for her during the times she is here and hope and pray that God will work things out. All I know for sure is that in spite of all that has happened to destroy us we are still here, still together, still getting along and as long as I am not overwhelmed with the huge burden I have to bear in all of this things are OK. Of course work is a mess, money is a mess and there is much to have faith for in our lives for sure. I cannot describe to you how many times God has worked it out so that I can have things that there is no way for me to have. He makes my alone time and time with Him as good as it can be and for that I am thankful. I cannot miss His hand in my life but I have whined and complained to Him so much about “why have you left me, why have you forsaken me,” etc. Somehow, over my shoulder I can here Him say, “I'm right here.” I’m so weak, such a baby sometimes. He has molded and shaped me through all these awful experiences but In still such a mess. There is so much that needs fixing in me that I can understand why Deb would want to get rid of me in a lot of ways. The problem I have above all is the complete shift in her in so many ways. She used to be that spiritual person that had a deep commitment to Christ. It was that above all that gave me security that she would never devalue me to the point she could shut her mind to me and write me off. I know without that foundation that we are through. We wrote our own vows because of that so that we could be sure we make out commitment to Christ preeminent in our Vows. Now since the wreck so much has changed in her. Actually before the wreck when she gave up her bible for the computer was when it all started going wrong. However it is my life that is a total wreck. All my life I’ve been a broken hearted soul. I have cried out to the Lord through all of my life from the time He somehow took hold of me when I was a little boy. Life was hard in the Andersen house and I was an only child for 14 ½ years when my brother Ben was born. Childhood for me was much hurt and torment. There was much sexual perversion injected into my life from a very early age. I don’t remember most of my childhood but do remember some and because of my moms emotional dependance problems I learned more than perhaps I should of. Bad, dark things were done, it hurts and confuses me so much and has filled my life with unwanted problems. These problems are a lot of what Deb has against me and are good reasons to leave I have to admit. I don't want to be me. Me is so broken and wounded that I don’t know how I have survived other that Jesus. I should have died just as Ryan did, a blow to the head. I don’t know what to do with all that is in me. I have been cut off from most of the people in my life and the church as well. I am unfix able I guess. Even Deb has given up on me. My work keeps falling apart and I find myself without a job again as I am writing this letter or what ever it is. I am starting to feel after years of things in my life falling apart that it must be a part of the crazy path Jesus has me on. I find my self in tribulation again and again and the Lord sees me through each time. My early life can best be described as having a case of “white picket fence syndrome.” All looks good on the outside but there is darkness and death inside. Me and Ryan, Ryan and I, two broken little boys rescued by Jesus, each with his particular purpose to fulfill. So my journey really started when I was five years old. I had suffered years of abuse in my idealistic little home at the hands of my industrious, well liked father and my enslaved mother who never ever stood up for me or defended me at all but she loved me and was sweet. I don’t want to blame anyone or indict anyone at all here. My mom and dad, me and Deb, all of us are very broken people who have experienced some very bad things in this life and have each responded in out own sinful way. I choose to walk the way of forgiveness. Its just that against a very dark set of circumstances Jesus stepped into my life. I was walking the block or so from my house to the local church to go to events they had for children there. I was little and it was a scary walk, I went at daytime and sometimes at night and I was always alone. Jesus came to me and started to hold my hand and walk me to the church and then back home again. He was there for me and got a hold of me early or I was doomed out of the gate. It is all I can figure. A little later on the 700 club started coming on TV. It was started by my dads parents neighbor who lived in the house behind them. My mom started watching that show and Billy Graham and gave her heart to Jesus when I was around 6. By then I already knew Him, only I did not know who He was. That came as she started sharing about Jesus and what she was reading in the bible. I was very interested in this Jesus guy who seemed to be the same person I kept encountering in various ways. On top of all of this I was an escapist. I had some serious problems already because of what was happening to me behind closed doors. I loved books and was an avid reader from the first time I found a book. Plus my moms mom got me books sometimes. Secretly. I was not allowed to get things except at Christmas or birthday when I was little and when he was mad about anything I suffered and it was my fault. I remember hiding in fear with my mom in closets and under the bed as some of my earliest memories. Yet there was the other side of life. The Jesus side and Him being there kinda made it all OK in some weird way as my dad went through the cycles of being an angry gay man living out a mans life in the 50s and 60s. Dressing like the woman he thought he was and terrorizing us and engaging us in God only knows cause I have disassociation disorders and I used to go up in the ceiling when the stuff was happening. It was like living in fear of a terrorist attack. Anything could happen at any moment. From peaceful to violent. From normal to perverted. And he was obsessed with doing that, I feel that in my soul to this day and he hated me for it. It was my fault and I responded, my body betrayed me and now I `hate myself and my masculinity and I don’t know who or what I am. Then came schools, all the schools the first years of my school life. Don’t know why I changed schools so much. People ask questions I guess. By third grade I was in a christian school. I got beat up too much in public school. I was unable to defend myself, people took my stuff. I was totally unprepared for the world of people and Norfolk Va was a pretty rough place. I ended up in shrinks offices etc as they all tried to figure out what was wrong with me. What a mess but Jesus was right there and it was in the private school that He put the bible in my hands. It was a text book at that school and I never looked back. The bible and Jesus have been my survival through a bunch of mess, a bunch of tribulation and rejection through out my whole life. It is like some kind of crazy book or movie and the chapter that includes Deb's wreck and all the horrible things that happened to Ryan at the hands of one of Deb's friends is beyond imagination. Back story now yet it still plays a crazy part in where we are now and where we are going in the future. I’m doing all I can do to love her and be good to be around when we are together. I forgive her for the ways she has hurt me but I still have to live with all the horrible things she said to me and about me. I don’t know where we stand now. I don’t know if she is planning on leaving or not. She has said many things yet she is still here. She says it is because of our youngest daughter who still lives here and is in 12th grade this year. Home life is OK except for the financial struggles and our not really knowing what to do about all of it. Deb may get a big settlement out of the car wreck but that is still to be determined. We have to live with our pasts but I don’t know if she can live with mine or not. She spends a lot of time alone and considering all I’ve learned about brain injuries there are things about her that are different now and her feelings towards me are among those. I’m just not that guy anymore. That hurts so much but what can I do but continue to stand and to love her and hope for the best. Putting faith in circumstances is hard for me. I believe with all my heart for Ryan to be healed and here with me so I could raise him and enjoy all these years and hes not. He is in heaven. God had different plans and I did not expect it and it nearly destroyed me. Now with Deb all I can do is trust God for every day and for the fact that His purposes will be accomplished no matter how much it hurts me. God is good to me and He does take care of me in spite of all the hardships. Now my life is like when I was a boy again. I spend most of my time alone with my books, TV and computer. I hurt so much and I long for love and affection and attention. I miss her having a heart for me. I cannot tell you how ive suffered and how ive cried. So many tears. So much disappointment in my life still I praise God. He does know best. I don’t even know why I am writing all this except I am lonely and have no one to talk to. I don’t know what to do but press on each day leaning on Jesus and His word. I need help, I need prayer. I need more of Jesus. The addictions that came on me during the days of childhoods treacheries are still fighting hard against me today and the pain I’m in now makes it so hard to stand against them. I’m a lonely wreck. Please pray. I know God is going to work it all out but going through all of this is really hard and painful and I am very weak and vulnerable in every area at this point.