Making Sense of it All 1

Deb and I were married on July 27th 1985. She was already pregnant with our daughter Amber and she had a son Ryan from a previous marriage who was almost three when we were married. Ryan suffered multiple disabilities due to an injury suffered from a blow to the head, which ultimately became murder when he passed away on August 28, 1988, eight days after our son Nathan was born on August 19, 1988. (Ryan's story is a long heartbreaking story that I will attempt to address later on.) We were both believers and attempting to be followers of Christ but there was a lot wrong in the early days and we weathered some destructive storms in those days and many more in the days ahead. In spite of many tribulations along the way of our marriage our problems did not start until October 13,2012. It was a beautiful Saturday morning and Deb was out yardsaleing and I was in another county playing music at a local festival. She was driving her car through an intersection near our house and a big truck ran the red light and tee-boned her on the passenger side of the car, shoving the car through the intersection and causing it to flip several times. She never saw it coming and that saved her life. Her body was not broken but her face was cut up and she suffered traumatic brain injuries. However she was released from the hospital the same night because she was cognizant and her brain was not swollen. I think because we did not have insurance as well, but what do I know? Our community is small and everyone knows everyone and the word was at the scene was she was not going to pull through, so there was some surprise when word went out that she was home. I still cannot understand other than God how she ever survived. I went to the scene and I saw the car and seriously, she should not be here. Now at this point we had been through a lot of financial problems and the night before the wreck our relationship seemed to be good. We went to 7-11 and got some coffee while we were waiting to pick up our daughter Ana, our youngest child born January 15, 1997, from the homecoming game at Northeastern High School. There was some closeness shared and she was excited about the new job I would be working on and she was especially excited about our new grandson, just born on September 10th, little more than a month before, and the approaching holidays. Over all I thought we were OK and had a good marriage. I thought she was happy and before the wreck she seemed to be, even though there were reasons why she might not have been. After the wreck as she recovered from her physical injuries which consisted of cuts, bumps bruises and sprains the first beginnings of things being different started to show up. At first I did not detect any problems. We had a little season of passion, and that has been an area of struggle in our lives so it seemed as if some prayers of mine were perhaps being answered. Then my daughter in law came to me and told me she was talking of leaving me. I had also noticed that she no longer was wanting me to take her to her doctors appts and we had a couple of arguments because I was feeling rejected. I don’t know if something in her changed but she seemed to turn against me. We went from good love to her acting repulsed by me. Then my son and his family had to move in with us a while and that was hard too. At this point we entered into a season of events I never expected. She started lying to me about her desires to leave and then she started to come on to our mechanic friend. I happened to read some texts she and he had been writing back and forth. It seems he resisted her and that does not seem to be happening any more and my son and his family have since moved out but still our problems exist. Finally once unable to lie about it any more she started to tell me so much hurtful stuff that adamantly stated, that she did not want to be with me anymore. She had lost her feelings for me a long time ago. She did not want to give our marriage a chance and many other things to that effect. She hurt me deeply and it was all a complete shock. Now it is hard to go into all that has happened in the past two years since the wreck. We are still married and living together mostly. She has been gone a lot staying with her mom, friends and going on some trips etc. On top of everything else her father passed away last November, she was gone quite a while after that. Things are better now than they have been in a long time but she still insists she is leaving once Ana graduates or if she gets any settlement money from this long drawn out court case over the wreck. Everything is so weird. She is different and she is the same. The Deborah I used to know seemed to die on the day of the wreck and now I have someone distant and it is so hard. I hurt so much. The pain and anguish of the past two years has been so awful I cannot describe it. So many tear. It is something I have even felt shocked that God would let this happen. This leads to a deeper concern. Things have degraded somewhat over the past 10 years or so as Deb retreated more and more into the computer world and I admit many of our problems were post wreck. Intimacy and communication have been weak and she seemed to lose interest in things spiritual. There was a time when she was into Jesus. We did so much in the days the Sherman's were here and were involved in church and had meetings here in our house. Deb and I both used to read together and she had a personal interest. She retreated from all that when she went in the computer. I tried to get her to read and stuff, even got her a new bible but she just lost interest. Words cannot express my concerns. Now I send here scriptures on the IM thing on the phone every morning and I think she reads them. Sometimes it seems the wreck was a harbinger.....it sits by the kitchen window, destroyed, under a tarp. Fully in tact because she was pulled out of the care before rescue arrived. We keep it because her lawyer wants us to till the case is over. Oct 13 2014 will be two years since the wreck. The recover from the brain damage takes a new direction after two years. Now she is what she is and I’m not sure what that is. She is and she is not the same girl that I knew before. If anything happens with us it will be something new that rises out of her feelings changing for she is adamant about not having any feelings for me or me being the love of her life etc. I’m just too messed up or have messed up too much. My dreams of being in love and renewing our vows etc seem to be floating away as her dreams of independence and being on her own take precedence over me and us. It hurts to be so devalued that she can stay here based on her needs and timetable and not even want to give me the satisfaction of saying we are working on it or giving it a trial period. No based on her words its over, no hope, she does not “have it for me anymore” she is ready to not be married to me any longer. Yet she expects me to be OK with it all and understand her and her feelings and support her and be her friend once she moves out and even get together for diner sometimes? And every day is fine here and I see no reason why she would want to leave. No fighting or ugliness. I leave her alone and let her seek me out if she needs me. I never call her on the phone. I’m doing all she wants and being alone almost all the time. She is nice to me and she does have sex with me sometimes but says she does not like it and if she does respond that its purely physical and not me at all. For what ever reason purging her life of me seems important to her. I don’t know what to do but pray and suffer and watch all my days go by lonely. I'm still alive and that is a blessing. I have considered suicide. I tried it on our anniversary in 2013. I tried cutting my wrists and it hurt a lot. Cutting was one of the problems I started having problems with as a kid and that’s been an issue too. I keep my problems hidden from Deb but this has brought my whole life down on me. I’m staying positive and upbeat for her though no matter what.