this morning, another lonely day

Here I am, up early, it's still dark. It's only 6 am but I have been up for an hour. I say the lunar eclipse yesterday cause I was up so early. I'm so glad I have dogs or I would be the lonliest man in the world. I have been lonely for so long that I don't know how not to be lonely. I guess if the right person came along that could change. For now and for who knows how long I'll just have to be lonely. I have to go to my friend Brent's house at 3 pm or so to finish some electrical work I started on Monday. He is remodeling his living room because of structure damage and I had to rewire the room. I have a few things left that I can get wrapped up and then he won't need me anymore till he is ready to finish it. After that I am going to my friend Steve's for music practice. We are in a band called "Old Ocean Highway." We are several over 50 guys playing music for fun. We play festivals and partys, places where people like to drink and dance. We are a party band and we cover old country and rock and roll tunes. It is fun but all of my depression has about killed it for me. I do it but often my heart is not in it. The words to a lot of the songs and seeing couples and lovers hugging and dancing while I'm playing them music to do that by then going away to a lovless life really hurts. I want that so bad and have for so long now and I don't know how to have it and it makes me sad and mad and everything else. I am so sick of missing out. Just because you in a band making music and jamming does not mean you have lots of friends, sex and money. I help supply the party for everyone else while staying sober, (playing,singing and drinking do not mix if you want to do it well) and then go home to a lonely life with my dogs and cats. From now till then I dont know what I will do. I will try and not masturbate too much. Im so needy and attention and affection starved as well as sexually deprived that I could masturbate the day away and then feel guilty about it afterwards. I want to be loved so bad. I want to feel affection and care. Hands on my body, hugging me, reassuring me that it will be ok. Someone to share life with and have common interests. Someone who likes music and enjoys going to practice and gigs. All my wife ever wants to do is what she is interested in. While we were together she never even spent any time with me. I watched tv alone got up alone went to bed alone, while she was on her computer or on the porch on the phone, talking to her boyfriend, my fucking mechanic that would be scared of me if he knew that I knew and the thoughts I think sometimes. How do I live like this? One simple reason, I am poor at this point in my life and I cannot afford to get out. If I could I would and she says she is but I have to wait till next summer I suppose. I need to get back into story and poetry writing. I love to be creative but when I am depressed it is hard to get motovated. There is so much that needs to get done or that I could and should do but I end up neglecting most of that every day and sit in my chair in my office and look out the window or sit in my chair in the yard under the trees and look out into the fields. So today will be another day like that. I need to get my guitar out and work on some music, we have a gig saturday and I want to be ready. That is where I fail. I should be doing productive things but I get on the computer or go the chaturbate and masturbate in front of whoever and get compliments and feel good until I start to feel dirty like I did when I was a boy and had to do things like that. Remembering those kinds of things seems to be something that happens more now that I am, older and or more alone and with more time on my hands than ever before. Either way it sucks and it gets all mixed up in my sex and masturbation life and causes me to feel feeling inside that really are awful. It sucks to have two dead little boys inside of me. One being the wounded, killed little boy I still am in many ways and then my murdered little son is always with me. I love all of my kids so much and I miss Ryan every day. The father son thing has been a heavy burden in my life and the saving grace is my second son, (third child) and his little 2 year old son. They are the apples of my eye. My boys. Best of all we have a good relationship and get along and even work together some times. Me and my son that is. Now his wife does not like me and she feels I am a bad influence so she trys to keep me from the kids and that hurts a lot too. More loss and missing out once again due to a hard hearted member of the family. Still I see redemption from the past in the future. My son Nathan is a good man and he is 26 now and it a forward moving kind of man. We hope we can get an electrical business together somehow in the near future if the economy will allow. Work has been an up and down struggle for many years. So now the sky is starting to light up and soon the sun will be rising. One good thing about not having a job is being how for the sunrises, they are beautiful. I live in the country and it is a different picture each day. I have much to be thankful for and I am but the heaviness of my heart is prevasive and hard to get away from. I'm going to go enjoy the sunrise with the dogs and see where I go from there. Who knows. I hurt so much inside each day and when its dark its worse so the sun rising always helps my perspective. If only there were a light at the end of this long long tunnel. Oh well, I'll just keep trusting God and keep pressing on. I cannot give up although sometimes I'd like to just go home, where ever that is cause it aint in my past.