this morning, another lonely day

Here I am, up early, it's still dark. It's only 6 am but I have been up for an hour. I say the lunar eclipse yesterday cause I was up so early. I'm so glad I have dogs or I would be the lonliest man in the world. I have been lonely for so long that I don't know how not to be lonely. I guess if the right person came along that could change. For now and for who knows how long I'll just have to be lonely. I have to go to my friend Brent's house at 3 pm or so to finish some electrical work I started on Monday. He is remodeling his living room because of structure damage and I had to rewire the room. I have a few things left that I can get wrapped up and then he won't need me anymore till he is ready to finish it. After that I am going to my friend Steve's for music practice. We are in a band called "Old Ocean Highway." We are several over 50 guys playing music for fun. We play festivals and partys, places where people like to drink and dance. We are a party band and we cover old country and rock and roll tunes. It is fun but all of my depression has about killed it for me. I do it but often my heart is not in it. The words to a lot of the songs and seeing couples and lovers hugging and dancing while I'm playing them music to do that by then going away to a lovless life really hurts. I want that so bad and have for so long now and I don't know how to have it and it makes me sad and mad and everything else. I am so sick of missing out. Just because you in a band making music and jamming does not mean you have lots of friends, sex and money. I help supply the party for everyone else while staying sober, (playing,singing and drinking do not mix if you want to do it well) and then go home to a lonely life with my dogs and cats. From now till then I dont know what I will do. I will try and not masturbate too much. Im so needy and attention and affection starved as well as sexually deprived that I could masturbate the day away and then feel guilty about it afterwards. I want to be loved so bad. I want to feel affection and care. Hands on my body, hugging me, reassuring me that it will be ok. Someone to share life with and have common interests. Someone who likes music and enjoys going to practice and gigs. All my wife ever wants to do is what she is interested in. While we were together she never even spent any time with me. I watched tv alone got up alone went to bed alone, while she was on her computer or on the porch on the phone, talking to her boyfriend, my fucking mechanic that would be scared of me if he knew that I knew and the thoughts I think sometimes. How do I live like this? One simple reason, I am poor at this point in my life and I cannot afford to get out. If I could I would and she says she is but I have to wait till next summer I suppose. I need to get back into story and poetry writing. I love to be creative but when I am depressed it is hard to get motovated. There is so much that needs to get done or that I could and should do but I end up neglecting most of that every day and sit in my chair in my office and look out the window or sit in my chair in the yard under the trees and look out into the fields. So today will be another day like that. I need to get my guitar out and work on some music, we have a gig saturday and I want to be ready. That is where I fail. I should be doing productive things but I get on the computer or go the chaturbate and masturbate in front of whoever and get compliments and feel good until I start to feel dirty like I did when I was a boy and had to do things like that. Remembering those kinds of things seems to be something that happens more now that I am, older and or more alone and with more time on my hands than ever before. Either way it sucks and it gets all mixed up in my sex and masturbation life and causes me to feel feeling inside that really are awful. It sucks to have two dead little boys inside of me. One being the wounded, killed little boy I still am in many ways and then my murdered little son is always with me. I love all of my kids so much and I miss Ryan every day. The father son thing has been a heavy burden in my life and the saving grace is my second son, (third child) and his little 2 year old son. They are the apples of my eye. My boys. Best of all we have a good relationship and get along and even work together some times. Me and my son that is. Now his wife does not like me and she feels I am a bad influence so she trys to keep me from the kids and that hurts a lot too. More loss and missing out once again due to a hard hearted member of the family. Still I see redemption from the past in the future. My son Nathan is a good man and he is 26 now and it a forward moving kind of man. We hope we can get an electrical business together somehow in the near future if the economy will allow. Work has been an up and down struggle for many years. So now the sky is starting to light up and soon the sun will be rising. One good thing about not having a job is being how for the sunrises, they are beautiful. I live in the country and it is a different picture each day. I have much to be thankful for and I am but the heaviness of my heart is prevasive and hard to get away from. I'm going to go enjoy the sunrise with the dogs and see where I go from there. Who knows. I hurt so much inside each day and when its dark its worse so the sun rising always helps my perspective. If only there were a light at the end of this long long tunnel. Oh well, I'll just keep trusting God and keep pressing on. I cannot give up although sometimes I'd like to just go home, where ever that is cause it aint in my past.

Hard Time Copeing

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I try and focus on the things in my life that I love to do and still my pain and troubles wont leave me. Sometimes I think it is me and at other times I know it is because of the unfair distress I am expected to bear. Being trapped in an a situation like this is a horrible daily burden that I have to bear along with all of the other difficulties of life. Having no way out makes it all the more intense and others advice rings hollow. "If she did that to me, I'd do this or I'd do that." Yet all the this and all of the that involves things I can't accomplish at this junture in my life. I never expected that anything could ever change the way my sweet wife was towards me. All of the years we spent together, the good times and the bad and the ones in between. We thought alike, at least I thought we did, about marriage and family and things and it seemed we would be rock solid for ever. I never even entertained the thoughts of us having problems or not being together any longer. I have never wanted to be away from her. So when all of this started it was un-thinkable. Still I cannot hardly believe all that has happened in the past two years. Loseng the on I love while she is right in front of me and all is well is a nightmare. Suddenly she does not want to be with me anymore. I am not the one she ever would have chosen, not the love of her life. She has totally broken my heart, broke up with me without even any chance to work it out and then continued to live in the house with me while she waits for our daughter to graduate next summer. She stays gone to her moms house a lot but shes here too cause the guy im sure she is seeing behind my back lives out this way. Worst of all I am forced to live here in this devalued state becuase my work has been so poor the past few years that I cannot afford to get out. People say they would leave if they were me and I sure would to if I had somewhere to go and the money to get there. We have been getting help to keep living here as I lose my job and find it and lose it and find it. Now I am without a job again so all the more reason to not be here helping me and all the more reason to desert and abandon me. So awful to have to live with the person who has reduced me to nothing but someone she can be indiferent to. Someone she can say she loves and cares about as she puts me through the worst nightmare of my life and makes no effort to change and has no respect for our marriage or all of the time we have put in it at all. I dont feel that way and that is the hardest of all. I just want it to work out. No matter how much she hurts me and betrays me I keep loving her. I try and stop but I have loved her for so long that it is so hard. Plus when we are getting along and everything feels normal like it always did I start to have hope Then more evidence of cheating ect comes up and the wounds are all opened up again and I feel like killing myself. Thats how bad it hurts. I am so lonely and desperate for love that I cry every night and when ever I am in the shower or listening to music in the car. I keep thinking of my oldest son who passed away a long time ago when he was five and that hurts me even more. I cannot stop thinking of him or of the horrible things that happened to me as a boy and all of this is taking me to the point of no return. Soon I will be dead if something does not change but I dont want that, it just hurts so badly. I am 51 years old, I did not want to start over. I just wanted to be with the wife of my youth all the days of my life and use love each other. she is the mother of all my kids and I want her back and love her so but she does not feel that way so I am just a broken hearted fool with no where to turn. Being alone all the time is so hard.

The Desperate Need to Write

I need to write, I love to write. It is a simple but profound statement of my life. Always, since I was a boy, I have been captivated by that need to express myself. Perhaps because I had no other place to put all the things I was feeling and going through, or it could have been my intense love of books. A combination of both and more, a part of my desire to soar. To fly, to rise above the usually painful present circumstances into a place of comfort and purpose where plans work out and dreams come true and villains really do lose. I found those places as a youngster and had a profound desire to create them. I found more inside of me than I could contain and pen to paper was the only place to go with it. The fact that from the time I could talk until now I have been a talker and story teller is no wonder considering my life of dissociative behaviors and myriad of characters that reside within me. "Worlds, call me worlds." For it is worlds that reside deep within me. If only I could hone my creative skills enough to get them out into the world of the reader. Perhaps with the shift from paper and notebooks to this used laptop that I received as a gift earlier this year I can do more. Writing the worlds of my life and the things inside of me has been a largely private thing for me most of the days of my life besides the sharing of some stories and notebooks along the way with those close to me. Notebooks, paper and pens, books and all of their smells and textures so sensual and the start of it all for me. It was my painful and confusing childhood in the 1970s that put me in such a fantasy, escapist frame of mind. Books, comic books, TV and trading cards along with hot wheels and matchbox cars were my mainstay, my worlds. I escaped all of the horrors and perversions of home and the abuse and rejections of my piers and elders in school and church. I was alone in the matrix, even those close to me, without exception hurt me in some way, with the exception of papa. My mother's father. He is many worlds himself. Worlds for another day, or many actually. Ti’s another fellow who has captured my mind for this moment. That fellow is Richard Thomas. His role as John Boy Walton it the 70s TV show saved my life. It was from there that I was given the idea to write and that I did. I continued to follow John through his life and career and I have always admired him and enjoyed the different things he was in, but he will always be John boy to me. In my mind I sometimes found ways for me to be there at their place, free from my weird, confusing existence. So from then all through life I have kept diaries or journals and written a lot of poetry and many stories or scenes. A couple of attempts at plays and skits but only the poetry on my blog has ever been seen public ally. I wrote because I had to. In the early days I wrote of all the confusing and hurtful things I was contending with in comparison to the stories I was reading in all the books and the bible I got from school and the bookmobile. I must have written the wrong things in the very early diaries, when I was 9 and 10 I started and I learned early to hide them well for pages disappeared from them at first. So I knew someone mean had been reading them and had ripped "incriminating" things from my little books. As well as things other than that, things I wish I still had now for I do have those books still, minus the pages torn out and the pieces of my broken heart that were grind-ed in the dust. So I learned to be generic and stuff all the UN-readable things inside during those years until I learned enough to be able to hide things so that they could not be found and my most private places invaded. I have many notebooks of various sorts and sizes from forty plus years of writing and I even found a place that sold the same notebooks that John boy used on the show. Red Big Chief note books that opened from the top. They are put away, I have 2 of them but I have used many Mead top ringed notebooks over the years. The boyhood ones were diary type and of course I got ridiculed for that. Being a little girl, but then I was a good little cock-sucker too, so he said. I just took it and hung my head in shame and went on with my lonely life, but I never let the ridicule stop me from writing or loving and playing music. He could not kill who I really was deep inside, only cripple it real good. Perhaps it was the abuse, sexual, physical, mental, emotional, up close and personal and invasive as it was that pushed me to create the worlds that I did and do so that I would have somewhere safe to live. So now here I am desperately needing to write and writing a lot, feeling a lot, being invaded by a lot as I go through this crazy marriage failure/self discovery time in life and as I prepare myself to launch out on my own with my trust destroyed. The past present and future have been blended into one huge scifi nightmare where my deceased son and I run from perverted abusive people and monsters intent on wiping us and our thoughts and memories out of existence forever. Trust for us is zero, anyone could be an agent of the enemy or an alien. Eyes are everywhere and you cant deny that, looking at all of us, following, plotting destruction. Trying to cave my head in, just like when I was little. Only I have to carry both of us around inside of me and it is heavy sometimes. He was a really great little boy and for a long time I could not even think of him without needing a trip to the mental hospital but finally about 6 years ago the flood gates finally broke and he came back to me. Just one crazy day after weeping and weeping at the awful realization of what all I had really lost all those years ago. I was sitting in my chair out in the back by the UN-bee tree by the fields he came to me. My eyes were closed but suddenly as if opened I saw his little 5 year old self, smiling, coming towards me. I knelt on one knee and he straddled the other and hugged me. "It's gonna be OK daddy," he said as he put his hands on my face and wiped the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs. "I'm OK, and I'm still with you, just hang on to me, please. Until were together again." He started to say something else but as if someone called him he hopped off of my knee and said, "gotta go, I love you." and he ran off and that was it. It was beautiful but it drove me to my knees in sobs. However I can now think about him and look at pictures and stuff, I cry, I write but I stay sane and together. Even after all these years I still love and miss my little buddy so much. He was my first officer, my pit crew boss. My helper when there were jobs to be done and someone killed all of that. God in heaven I pray no one reading what i write ever has to experience that but alas I know they do poor souls. I know of losing your precious child that you never get over it. You only go through it one day at a time and it never stops hurting it only becomes bearable after years and years. Writing has helped me cope with all the awful bullshit in life and I'm sure some days I'll have some more happy things to write about. There is so much inside of me that needs to come out. Sometimes I write a lot, other times not nearly as much. Now I am feeling and thinking and remembering a lot of things and I have no where to go but my diary’s. So when the demons are on the attack its all I can do to stay sane and keep writing.

Making Sense of it All 2

So to continue my crazy story I start again. Writing about all that has happened is way more complicated than it seems, at least if your me it does. My mind goes in many different directions and I see things from many angles and that either simplifies or complicates things, im not sure yet. I mainly stay confused about all that is going on. Everything has a biblical connection with me and the past ties in with all that is present. My life story seems to have some threads that run from the beginning until now and the relationship that I have with Deborah in some ways mirrors my relationship with my dad. Above all I know that as long as I live in the present moment things are OK. The deeply emotional things, the arguments and confrontations and the coming to grips with the truth about her feelings are all in the past. Sometimes it still grips me in the heart and throat like death. It feels like losing Ryan all over again. You know. You have kids. The thought of losing one of them is the worst nightmare a parent can have. Well once that nightmare comes true its hard not to wake up into it sometimes. Once Ryan was gone I would have the most horrible nightmares about losing my children and I would wake up suffocating and have to go and see each one of them breathe. Waking up in the wee hours to one of your kids gone is so awful, so horrible that here I am 26 years later still struggling with it. Still waking up into it again and again. Death, grief, sorrow, loss. The markers of my life. This nightmare with Deborah can only be compared with the loss of our precious little boy all those years ago. On his 6th birthday we said happy birthday and goodbye in the same breath and we are still reeling from it. Deborah has never been the same and has never really been able to be anything other than a recluse. The computer world is in my opinion, her addiction. I have mine and she has hers. We are a broken and hurting pair. For me it has been the death cycle since the day of the wreck. I have had to resign myself to the fact that the Deborah I used to know died on the day of that awful, horrible wreck. I cringe every time I think of her going through all of that. I still cannot even believe after all the other awful stuff we have endured that this is even happening. Sometimes Gods hands become scary. My dads hands were scary. That is another nightmare though. More suffering and loss. More suffocation. More awful memories that I so don’t want to be real. Yet all of it connects in some weird spiritual way. We are coming to the two year anniversary of the car crash. There is still so much to wade through and to wait on God for. I am forced to live in a situation where my life is on hold while I wait to see if Deb ever acts on all the words she told me. If so sometimes between now and next summer when Ana graduates she will pack up and leave. Simply because she does not want to be married to me anymore. She has to go and be on her own and find herself. She sees no wrong in hurting me or leaving me, she has many of her own self justifications and friends to support her train of thought. All I can do is love her and be here for her during the times she is here and hope and pray that God will work things out. All I know for sure is that in spite of all that has happened to destroy us we are still here, still together, still getting along and as long as I am not overwhelmed with the huge burden I have to bear in all of this things are OK. Of course work is a mess, money is a mess and there is much to have faith for in our lives for sure. I cannot describe to you how many times God has worked it out so that I can have things that there is no way for me to have. He makes my alone time and time with Him as good as it can be and for that I am thankful. I cannot miss His hand in my life but I have whined and complained to Him so much about “why have you left me, why have you forsaken me,” etc. Somehow, over my shoulder I can here Him say, “I'm right here.” I’m so weak, such a baby sometimes. He has molded and shaped me through all these awful experiences but In still such a mess. There is so much that needs fixing in me that I can understand why Deb would want to get rid of me in a lot of ways. The problem I have above all is the complete shift in her in so many ways. She used to be that spiritual person that had a deep commitment to Christ. It was that above all that gave me security that she would never devalue me to the point she could shut her mind to me and write me off. I know without that foundation that we are through. We wrote our own vows because of that so that we could be sure we make out commitment to Christ preeminent in our Vows. Now since the wreck so much has changed in her. Actually before the wreck when she gave up her bible for the computer was when it all started going wrong. However it is my life that is a total wreck. All my life I’ve been a broken hearted soul. I have cried out to the Lord through all of my life from the time He somehow took hold of me when I was a little boy. Life was hard in the Andersen house and I was an only child for 14 ½ years when my brother Ben was born. Childhood for me was much hurt and torment. There was much sexual perversion injected into my life from a very early age. I don’t remember most of my childhood but do remember some and because of my moms emotional dependance problems I learned more than perhaps I should of. Bad, dark things were done, it hurts and confuses me so much and has filled my life with unwanted problems. These problems are a lot of what Deb has against me and are good reasons to leave I have to admit. I don't want to be me. Me is so broken and wounded that I don’t know how I have survived other that Jesus. I should have died just as Ryan did, a blow to the head. I don’t know what to do with all that is in me. I have been cut off from most of the people in my life and the church as well. I am unfix able I guess. Even Deb has given up on me. My work keeps falling apart and I find myself without a job again as I am writing this letter or what ever it is. I am starting to feel after years of things in my life falling apart that it must be a part of the crazy path Jesus has me on. I find my self in tribulation again and again and the Lord sees me through each time. My early life can best be described as having a case of “white picket fence syndrome.” All looks good on the outside but there is darkness and death inside. Me and Ryan, Ryan and I, two broken little boys rescued by Jesus, each with his particular purpose to fulfill. So my journey really started when I was five years old. I had suffered years of abuse in my idealistic little home at the hands of my industrious, well liked father and my enslaved mother who never ever stood up for me or defended me at all but she loved me and was sweet. I don’t want to blame anyone or indict anyone at all here. My mom and dad, me and Deb, all of us are very broken people who have experienced some very bad things in this life and have each responded in out own sinful way. I choose to walk the way of forgiveness. Its just that against a very dark set of circumstances Jesus stepped into my life. I was walking the block or so from my house to the local church to go to events they had for children there. I was little and it was a scary walk, I went at daytime and sometimes at night and I was always alone. Jesus came to me and started to hold my hand and walk me to the church and then back home again. He was there for me and got a hold of me early or I was doomed out of the gate. It is all I can figure. A little later on the 700 club started coming on TV. It was started by my dads parents neighbor who lived in the house behind them. My mom started watching that show and Billy Graham and gave her heart to Jesus when I was around 6. By then I already knew Him, only I did not know who He was. That came as she started sharing about Jesus and what she was reading in the bible. I was very interested in this Jesus guy who seemed to be the same person I kept encountering in various ways. On top of all of this I was an escapist. I had some serious problems already because of what was happening to me behind closed doors. I loved books and was an avid reader from the first time I found a book. Plus my moms mom got me books sometimes. Secretly. I was not allowed to get things except at Christmas or birthday when I was little and when he was mad about anything I suffered and it was my fault. I remember hiding in fear with my mom in closets and under the bed as some of my earliest memories. Yet there was the other side of life. The Jesus side and Him being there kinda made it all OK in some weird way as my dad went through the cycles of being an angry gay man living out a mans life in the 50s and 60s. Dressing like the woman he thought he was and terrorizing us and engaging us in God only knows cause I have disassociation disorders and I used to go up in the ceiling when the stuff was happening. It was like living in fear of a terrorist attack. Anything could happen at any moment. From peaceful to violent. From normal to perverted. And he was obsessed with doing that, I feel that in my soul to this day and he hated me for it. It was my fault and I responded, my body betrayed me and now I `hate myself and my masculinity and I don’t know who or what I am. Then came schools, all the schools the first years of my school life. Don’t know why I changed schools so much. People ask questions I guess. By third grade I was in a christian school. I got beat up too much in public school. I was unable to defend myself, people took my stuff. I was totally unprepared for the world of people and Norfolk Va was a pretty rough place. I ended up in shrinks offices etc as they all tried to figure out what was wrong with me. What a mess but Jesus was right there and it was in the private school that He put the bible in my hands. It was a text book at that school and I never looked back. The bible and Jesus have been my survival through a bunch of mess, a bunch of tribulation and rejection through out my whole life. It is like some kind of crazy book or movie and the chapter that includes Deb's wreck and all the horrible things that happened to Ryan at the hands of one of Deb's friends is beyond imagination. Back story now yet it still plays a crazy part in where we are now and where we are going in the future. I’m doing all I can do to love her and be good to be around when we are together. I forgive her for the ways she has hurt me but I still have to live with all the horrible things she said to me and about me. I don’t know where we stand now. I don’t know if she is planning on leaving or not. She has said many things yet she is still here. She says it is because of our youngest daughter who still lives here and is in 12th grade this year. Home life is OK except for the financial struggles and our not really knowing what to do about all of it. Deb may get a big settlement out of the car wreck but that is still to be determined. We have to live with our pasts but I don’t know if she can live with mine or not. She spends a lot of time alone and considering all I’ve learned about brain injuries there are things about her that are different now and her feelings towards me are among those. I’m just not that guy anymore. That hurts so much but what can I do but continue to stand and to love her and hope for the best. Putting faith in circumstances is hard for me. I believe with all my heart for Ryan to be healed and here with me so I could raise him and enjoy all these years and hes not. He is in heaven. God had different plans and I did not expect it and it nearly destroyed me. Now with Deb all I can do is trust God for every day and for the fact that His purposes will be accomplished no matter how much it hurts me. God is good to me and He does take care of me in spite of all the hardships. Now my life is like when I was a boy again. I spend most of my time alone with my books, TV and computer. I hurt so much and I long for love and affection and attention. I miss her having a heart for me. I cannot tell you how ive suffered and how ive cried. So many tears. So much disappointment in my life still I praise God. He does know best. I don’t even know why I am writing all this except I am lonely and have no one to talk to. I don’t know what to do but press on each day leaning on Jesus and His word. I need help, I need prayer. I need more of Jesus. The addictions that came on me during the days of childhoods treacheries are still fighting hard against me today and the pain I’m in now makes it so hard to stand against them. I’m a lonely wreck. Please pray. I know God is going to work it all out but going through all of this is really hard and painful and I am very weak and vulnerable in every area at this point.

Making Sense of it All 1

Deb and I were married on July 27th 1985. She was already pregnant with our daughter Amber and she had a son Ryan from a previous marriage who was almost three when we were married. Ryan suffered multiple disabilities due to an injury suffered from a blow to the head, which ultimately became murder when he passed away on August 28, 1988, eight days after our son Nathan was born on August 19, 1988. (Ryan's story is a long heartbreaking story that I will attempt to address later on.) We were both believers and attempting to be followers of Christ but there was a lot wrong in the early days and we weathered some destructive storms in those days and many more in the days ahead. In spite of many tribulations along the way of our marriage our problems did not start until October 13,2012. It was a beautiful Saturday morning and Deb was out yardsaleing and I was in another county playing music at a local festival. She was driving her car through an intersection near our house and a big truck ran the red light and tee-boned her on the passenger side of the car, shoving the car through the intersection and causing it to flip several times. She never saw it coming and that saved her life. Her body was not broken but her face was cut up and she suffered traumatic brain injuries. However she was released from the hospital the same night because she was cognizant and her brain was not swollen. I think because we did not have insurance as well, but what do I know? Our community is small and everyone knows everyone and the word was at the scene was she was not going to pull through, so there was some surprise when word went out that she was home. I still cannot understand other than God how she ever survived. I went to the scene and I saw the car and seriously, she should not be here. Now at this point we had been through a lot of financial problems and the night before the wreck our relationship seemed to be good. We went to 7-11 and got some coffee while we were waiting to pick up our daughter Ana, our youngest child born January 15, 1997, from the homecoming game at Northeastern High School. There was some closeness shared and she was excited about the new job I would be working on and she was especially excited about our new grandson, just born on September 10th, little more than a month before, and the approaching holidays. Over all I thought we were OK and had a good marriage. I thought she was happy and before the wreck she seemed to be, even though there were reasons why she might not have been. After the wreck as she recovered from her physical injuries which consisted of cuts, bumps bruises and sprains the first beginnings of things being different started to show up. At first I did not detect any problems. We had a little season of passion, and that has been an area of struggle in our lives so it seemed as if some prayers of mine were perhaps being answered. Then my daughter in law came to me and told me she was talking of leaving me. I had also noticed that she no longer was wanting me to take her to her doctors appts and we had a couple of arguments because I was feeling rejected. I don’t know if something in her changed but she seemed to turn against me. We went from good love to her acting repulsed by me. Then my son and his family had to move in with us a while and that was hard too. At this point we entered into a season of events I never expected. She started lying to me about her desires to leave and then she started to come on to our mechanic friend. I happened to read some texts she and he had been writing back and forth. It seems he resisted her and that does not seem to be happening any more and my son and his family have since moved out but still our problems exist. Finally once unable to lie about it any more she started to tell me so much hurtful stuff that adamantly stated, that she did not want to be with me anymore. She had lost her feelings for me a long time ago. She did not want to give our marriage a chance and many other things to that effect. She hurt me deeply and it was all a complete shock. Now it is hard to go into all that has happened in the past two years since the wreck. We are still married and living together mostly. She has been gone a lot staying with her mom, friends and going on some trips etc. On top of everything else her father passed away last November, she was gone quite a while after that. Things are better now than they have been in a long time but she still insists she is leaving once Ana graduates or if she gets any settlement money from this long drawn out court case over the wreck. Everything is so weird. She is different and she is the same. The Deborah I used to know seemed to die on the day of the wreck and now I have someone distant and it is so hard. I hurt so much. The pain and anguish of the past two years has been so awful I cannot describe it. So many tear. It is something I have even felt shocked that God would let this happen. This leads to a deeper concern. Things have degraded somewhat over the past 10 years or so as Deb retreated more and more into the computer world and I admit many of our problems were post wreck. Intimacy and communication have been weak and she seemed to lose interest in things spiritual. There was a time when she was into Jesus. We did so much in the days the Sherman's were here and were involved in church and had meetings here in our house. Deb and I both used to read together and she had a personal interest. She retreated from all that when she went in the computer. I tried to get her to read and stuff, even got her a new bible but she just lost interest. Words cannot express my concerns. Now I send here scriptures on the IM thing on the phone every morning and I think she reads them. Sometimes it seems the wreck was a harbinger.....it sits by the kitchen window, destroyed, under a tarp. Fully in tact because she was pulled out of the care before rescue arrived. We keep it because her lawyer wants us to till the case is over. Oct 13 2014 will be two years since the wreck. The recover from the brain damage takes a new direction after two years. Now she is what she is and I’m not sure what that is. She is and she is not the same girl that I knew before. If anything happens with us it will be something new that rises out of her feelings changing for she is adamant about not having any feelings for me or me being the love of her life etc. I’m just too messed up or have messed up too much. My dreams of being in love and renewing our vows etc seem to be floating away as her dreams of independence and being on her own take precedence over me and us. It hurts to be so devalued that she can stay here based on her needs and timetable and not even want to give me the satisfaction of saying we are working on it or giving it a trial period. No based on her words its over, no hope, she does not “have it for me anymore” she is ready to not be married to me any longer. Yet she expects me to be OK with it all and understand her and her feelings and support her and be her friend once she moves out and even get together for diner sometimes? And every day is fine here and I see no reason why she would want to leave. No fighting or ugliness. I leave her alone and let her seek me out if she needs me. I never call her on the phone. I’m doing all she wants and being alone almost all the time. She is nice to me and she does have sex with me sometimes but says she does not like it and if she does respond that its purely physical and not me at all. For what ever reason purging her life of me seems important to her. I don’t know what to do but pray and suffer and watch all my days go by lonely. I'm still alive and that is a blessing. I have considered suicide. I tried it on our anniversary in 2013. I tried cutting my wrists and it hurt a lot. Cutting was one of the problems I started having problems with as a kid and that’s been an issue too. I keep my problems hidden from Deb but this has brought my whole life down on me. I’m staying positive and upbeat for her though no matter what.

Feelings About My Wife Leaving Me

I am a broken man. I cannot escape the agony that ravages my heart every day and at times it is so unbearable that all I can do is sleep. I do not understand what is happening to me nor why. I would never have imagined that my honey Deborah would do me like she is doing me. It is unbearable and appalling and is has destroyed my trust. I have no and once I thought I had that special friend and lover who would always hold my heart. She made so many promises and always upheld those all the years of our marriage until these past two years. Now she gives me no promise and no assurance. For instance I said to her yesterday, “I sure wish I was a keeper.” She just looked at me and smiled as if she enjoyed my pain. Used to she would have automatically quipped up, “of course your a keeper, I'll always keep you,” or something to that effect. No, not anymore, nothing like that ever. It is just like all of the years that my dad never once expressed his love to me. She says she loves me and cares for me but when I ask her if she loves me how can she hurt me so bad and all she can say is, “I don't know.” I just cannot ever understand how this is or has happened to my marriage. I always thought she felt different towards me and all of this hurts so. I just want to be valuable enough to want to keep and love. What is so wrong with me that she insists that she has to leave me? I can”t get it, I just cant. I'm not doing anything to her, she is hurting me. She is locking me out of her life and out of her heart. She is indifferent towards my pain and suffering and cares more about her feelings than anything else. Why is she being like this? What am I supposed to do? So now I sit here alone again. She is off at her mom's again and off to her Dr Raciti appt, she wont be home till Thursday late or Friday. Used to we would have just gotten up and went to her appt together and came home the same day but oh no, not anymore, all of that changed. I'm so hurt and rejected. This is a nightmare that I so desperately want to wake up from and I don’t know how to or how this could ever do anything but get worse and worse. Does anyone know how horribly painful and debilitating it is to be waiting everyday for your spouse of over half of your life to just desert you? Like Jesus waiting for Judas to betray Him. Yet she keeps up this everything is OK, or the same facade that is so fake and I have such a hard time living in it. How can she be all nice on one side and totally destroying me and breaking my heart to pieces on the other? How can this be my live partner? It feels totally like God and everyone everywhere hates me! I'm so lonely and heartbroken that I just wish I could die. Instead I press on, even though that seems impossible and at times it is. Here I sit alone and abandoned again. She will be back in a few days but I know she does not care about me or how bad she hurts me. I know she has no problem lying to me so I cant help but wonder if what she is saying is even true. She promises she is not cheating on me, yet I still see and hear suspicious things, but when I confront her she is adamant that noting is going on. So I have to believe her even though it is hard. I just cant stop asking, why oh why is this happening to my marriage. Why have I been so devalued but the only person in my world. If she cares for me at all how can she do this to me? I’m so sick of feeling this way every single day and there is never even the slightest change and I keep begging God and it seems that He just turns a deaf ear to my sorrowful heart. Doesn’t he hear me cry? Doesn’t He hear me beg? Can He turn a cold, indifferent heart towards me like Deb has? Why wont anyone love me????? I stay lonely and depressed and I don’t feel like anyone is all of existence cares about me at all, not even God. I know that is not true but it is how it feels. Worst of all is Deb does not care about me. Why does not my partner and soul mate not care about me? How can Deb of all people turn her heart on me? Why wont God help me????/ I’m so alone and lonely, I cry so much. Please help me, I beg you!!!!!

how can this be?

 

how did it ever, ever

get to be this way

what could anyone,

anywhere possibly say

to a child who has to

pick his crumbs from

out of the dirt

while wars rage on

and billions are spent

in the business of hurt

we lock our possessions

up so very tight

and send the homeless poor

out into the night

to fend for themselves

in a world full of hate

where living and dying

are all left to fate

as prophets of doom

say that all is well

while all that is sacred

is condemned into hell

in a hand basket on

a bright sunny

Sunday afternoon

where lies are the truth

and truth is banished

and put away,

saved, I suppose

for some far off rainy day

when all hope is lost

and we finally

count the cost

asa

image; internet